Thursday, April 30, 2009

...if you are what you say you are...

yo, imagine you were someone's hero. would you really want them to see what you do at home? i mean, it's hard enough tryin' to meet people's expectations. i dunno that i wanna mess that up with images of clippin' toenails with a can opener, watchin' reruns of "designing women," and scroungin' up pennies to buy a copy of men's health just to put that cologne sample on my person to impress the indian bank teller named sheri when i go in and ask for two fives and four ones in exchange for my obscene collection of copper lincolns.

at least, that's more exciting than the alternative...sittin' here writin' an entry about being a hero.
damn, i still wish i was british.

washington post, 1994

mr. mark imagines ll cool j just eats pink cookies in a plastic bag at home.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

brooklyn zoo



mama don't let your babies grow up to be b-boys...

brooklyn, ny, 2003

mr. mark also recommends limited candle use during drunken house parties.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

up north trip down memory lane

how many of your childhood idols have you seen on america's most wanted? i guess it's the street cred alternative to a "the more you know" psa.

rockville, md, 1992

mr. mark sends care packages to all his idols locked in the belly of the beast. they can trade the licorice for cigarettes if needed.

Monday, April 27, 2009

jus' like music

there's a pretty safe alternative to infidelity. for me, it's music. it answers many of the same needs of needin' to place your pee hole in or on a pee hole or poop hole. a new track makes gets you obsessed. you dream of it, you listen to it over and over, you have a love affair. while the initial thrill may run away, you'll always love that one track. and then, you can safely find another that you sweat and pine over without hurtin' anyone's feelings. music allows you to have a harem and i suggest this healthy alternative, brothers and sisters.

unless, you have a member of your harem who has deeply embarrassed you in the past. kind of like a fling on a drunken binge that you hope no one ever finds out about. because that one evening on the boardwalk brings back memories of rayon shirts, oversized girbaud jeans, and smooth jazz covers of shitty color me badd songs.

you know what? just don't drink and be on the prowl anywhere on the eastern shore. let's start with that, dog.

ocean city, md, 1992

mr. mark hopes to never wake up with acid washed anything in the bed.

Friday, April 24, 2009

boomin' system

what were you in your last life? i think i was black, dog. at least i hope so. i can't stay away from raw rhythm. or maybe it's the latin in me. because it's hips that move quicker than the awkward foot shuffle. or maybe it's both.

or maybe it's because you can hide one's pee stain behind a drum set easier than a guitar.

san francisco, ca, 1980

mr. mark now hides behind children when he's had an accident.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

braggin' writes

"i got stabbed in chile and all i got was this lousy medical bill." i guess it's kinda better than bleeding to death. i shake my head at the fact the $30 gets you an emergency room visit, a tetanus shot, consultations, and minor surgery in south america while $30 barely pays for the parking garage in a northamerican er while you interminably wait clinging to life. hoodz come in different cloaks, yo. some wear hoodies and others wear a smile and a name tag that says "william mcguire." think about it and ask, who's really gettin' that knife in deeper?

bitter? yeah, a little bit, mothafucker...

santiago de chile, 2005

mr. mark says the word "aetna" whenever he's cutting a steak.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

all my love

it takes the insight of an 8-year-old to define the status of your adult relationships.

washington, d.c., 2007

mr. mark is also weerd while she is so so so so so so pritty.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

the world is yours

if you were a country, which would you be? imma have to stick to my childhood choice of italy. you're apparently born with a whistle (i can't), loafers and slacks are prerequisites, if you scream out to someone else during sex, you've got a 90% chance of naming the person you're already boinkin' (maria or antonio), and you can become a superhero simply by robbing people. ya gotta love that.

but i don't eat much pasta no more and probably gotta start looking at my carb intake. let's say japan for a minute because it's fresh food, slippers, men that "humphf," gals that giggle in mini skirts, and a mom's basement blog would probably lead to a second career as an anime style superhero.

florence, italy, 2008

mr. mark is going back to the first 'cause he can get away with chest hair and a lack of spf in the mediterranean.

Monday, April 20, 2009

they reminisce over you

i wish some things didn't change so quickly. 12" dance was were i copped my first hip hop record on vinyl. it was the geto boys "mind playin' tricks on me" back in the early 90's. 12" became dj hut which now will become...something retarded, no doubt. in their words:

DJ Hut friends and customers,
We have some sad and disappointing news to share with you. DJ Hut can no longer battle the dual headwind of the demise of the music retail industry and the economic downturn. As a result, we are forced to shut down the store and go strictly online at the end of April. Effective immediately, all vinyl records, CDs, DVDs and books will be liquidated at the rate of 20% off the regular price.
We would like to thank you for your support over the last 7 years at the store and we look forward to your continued support online.
Best,
DJ Hut Crew

i'm tired of losing small, personable business in america. i'm starting a fasting movement until this changes. i'm not eating my vegetables until this country comes to its senses. rally up and join me people. we're leaving the brussel sprouts on the table.

washington, d.c., 1994

mr. mark emplores you to buy vinyl locally. it's good for the environment and it's safer than war bonds.

Friday, April 17, 2009

(anotha) song about (anotha) friend

that shuffle option on your mp3 player is a dirty beast, yo. you get to road trippin' with some friends and the skeletons are released when the player catches up with two belinda carlisle tracks, the "city of angels" soundtrack, and that jermaine dupri remix of "what a girl wants." you're better off with a killer road mix with no filler. keep that copy of jordan knight's "give it to you" in the closet, playa.

washington, d.c., 2001

mr. mark refuses to apologize for his carly simon box set. refuses.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

a song about (anotha) friend

what would you put on your "sorry for being a major prick in my early 20's" mix? i think i'd start out with "peach fuzz" by kmd 'cause it's cute and it's hard to stay mad at someone when they do endearing things like that. like when women laugh during sex. i take it as endearing, at least.

nyc, 2002

mr. mark would like to add that it's his rendition of "tonight you belong to me" that provided the laughter. he thinks. wait, that's fucked up. that was mad sincere and shit.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

a song about a friend

nowadays, how do you know who's got your back? it's a rough world out there. who's gonna be the one holdin' your hand when you roll over yet another charming relationship? help get you through weight loss strategies? tell you it's gonna be ok after you pee all over your pants while on a first date to see "when we were kings" and your date is standing outside the bathroom waiting for you and it was really just an accident...just an accident, for real?
we had the mixtape, didn't we? you know that meant a lot. it told you who wanted you in their life for whatever reason. best friends would trade the "hypeness mixes" relaying to the other "when i put toad the wet sprocket next to ned's atomic dustbin it reminds me of the wonderful times we have hitting that glass pipe in your garage." the "i'm into you mix" is a fave, so much time and effort and you really know how well or poorly the bedroom sessions will go based on how many unironic tears for fears, roxette, or broadway ballad entries there are (maybe she's an eastern european drama major?). there are many more, but i liked the "rawness mix." while it shares some qualities with the "hypeness mix," its real goal is to say "when we get into some shit, this'll be playin' while i'm crackin' pool sticks off some skulls." don't know if that ever happened, but when compton's most wanted is on the playlist, you know you got someone down for life.

what's the equivalent today? sharin' a bank account with a loved one doesn't really seem to have the same effect. you don't really find "stoned is the way of the walk" baby bibs on gymboree registries. i'm reachin' out to the young people to give your peers some documentation of your love. make it official with a soundtrack to that person. it gets confusin' later on when you find yourself readin' into the potential soundtrack ellicited from an olive garden gift certificate.

winston-salem, north carolina, 1993

mr. mark would rather a chi chi's gift certificate is all he's sayin'.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

my mind's playin' tricks on me


i love indian food. but habit has me eating it right before bedtime. somethin' happens when i'm REMmin', and that tikka masala start workin' its way into nightmarish images. i used to crawl in bed with mom and dad, hopin' to get away from it. but now, i'm alone, stuck with images of old indian comedic actors that look like geoffrey rush on pcp. then they starts dancin'. and that's when the real night terrors start.
thing is, even in my dreams i'm too nice. as an adult, i now invite my terrors in for tea and girl scout cookies. then they never want to leave. adulthood is a scary place, yo.

nyc, 2003

mr. mark used to have nightmares about c.h.u.d.s that looked like edward james olmos.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Friday, April 10, 2009

x clan

there's always some way of upping the game with your peers. back in high school it was all about a bit of shading on certain parts of your body. it claims the "what happened last night" label, and dammit if you didn't work to get your due. if you walked into school with dark bags under your eyes, scratches or dirt on your skin, or maybe, just maybe a bluish purplish lip stain on your neck...you got some respect. but if you were really lucky, you walked into school with a black mark or "x" on your right hand telling everyone that you are a nocturnal animal and the city is your bitch. and since most teens will give you the benefit of the doubt, you don't have to make up an alternative to the bare truth- spending the evening seeing amy grant with your grandparents. for the third time. in one year.

i miss the simple power of black ink. student loans, credit card payments, and mortgages don't really have the same effect on peers. ya feel mee?

washington, d.c., 1996

mr. mark's superhero power would involve a black rubber stamp.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

ex girl to the next girl

hmmm...lookin' back on your past relationships, how much was she the mistake versus you? 'cause when it comes down to it, we all lookin' for somethin' with our s.o.'s, whether it be love, validation, or santa's magical gift bag. 15 wasn't really a scoring age for nookie but i got my fair share of swag from the poor ladies that were in my pimply path. my mind wrapped itself in it's own form of validation, namely, if they're not giving up the nookie, it better be some form of loot. in six months i had aquired a copy of star wars, a boombox, tube underwear (for some reason), and these prized autographs.
thinkin' back, i realize where the mistake really was. i mean, are you really gonna give nookie to an acne'd 15-year-old tgif watching fool who will probably horde this prized possesion past the age of 30?

skeletons lurk in that closet, yo. i still have some thumbtacked to the wall.

rockville, md, 1994

ladeez, mr. mark luvs you, but it's time to part with that jordan catalano pillow. a hangin' with mr. cooper blanket will be sacrificed for your maturation.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

headbanger boogie

adults make kids feel really stupid sometimes. nothing worse than meeting someone you apothesize and havin' them make you feel like a lowely bama. it gets worse as an adult. idols hate seein' you act like a smilin' youngin with a pen and pad. i ran into redman at laguardia airport years ago. sucka acted like i was a fool's gold grinning fool meeting a cheerleader. i just wanted you to sign my chest. shame on you, reginald noble. shame on you.

maybe i need to be a headbanger 'cause at least a meeting with a rock star gave me a childlike reaction.

san francisco, ca, 1998

mr. mark bakes cookies for his fans.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

falln'


encourage broken bones and bruises in your young men. it makes 'em less likely to buy a corvette, put their balding coif in a pony tail, and hit on employees of cosi and panera bread past the age of 40.

children eat danger for breakfast, yo.

puno, perĂº, 2006

mr. mark ain't never met a slide he couldn't tackle.